Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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