My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
