its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
