I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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