It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
