I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The best revenge is premature balding
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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