you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
