I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
