I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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