I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
