I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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