If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
