first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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