The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
