im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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