She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I am available for nakedness
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
