I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
