i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
