Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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