dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
