1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You can't motorboat a personality
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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