god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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