3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
