I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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