Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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