I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
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I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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