you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
