just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
