Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
