So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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