the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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