i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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