I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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