Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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