He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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