I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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