you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
