Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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