just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
