i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
