you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
