im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
