dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
