Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
