The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
