genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
