yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
