I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
