Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
