16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
