the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
