the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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