I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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